


He Loves Me (why does it hurt)

by Canadiantardis



Series: Whumptober 2020 [29]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Are Twins, Domestic Violence, Fear, Gaslighting, Hospitals, Implied Sexual Abuse, It doesn't start with domestic violence it's like the progression to how it happened, M/M, Moxiety is like maybe just platonic maybe something more, One Shot, Physical Abuse, Roman & Remus & Patton are siblings, Verbal Abuse, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:36:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27164662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Canadiantardis/pseuds/Canadiantardis
Summary: Patton met Ryan in his first year of college, fresh from high school, while Ryan had been in his third year.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Creativity | Roman Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Morality | Patton Sanders/Other(s)
Series: Whumptober 2020 [29]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1920886
Comments: 12
Kudos: 41





	He Loves Me (why does it hurt)

**Author's Note:**

> Nearing the end here~ Day 29: Emergency Room.  
> I had a lot of trouble choosing who to hurt here, because every side has such a unique way of disbelieving the abuse. Even talking to friends for some help, everyone had differing opinions, so it was a bit difficult to start, but honestly, Patton's form of not recognizing his abuse was just a little too sweet in that hurt.

Patton met Ryan in his first year of college, fresh from high school, while Ryan had been in his third year. They had been dormmates, along with another first year, and got along really quickly. Ryan was sweet, funny, and charming. He always knew what to say to make Patton blush, and within the first semester, Patton fell for him _hard,_ and by the time exams were over and the winter break started, the two shared their first kiss, went on their first date, and Patton was in _love._ When the two went their separate ways to celebrate Christmas with their own families, Patton could not stop gushing about Ryan to his younger brothers, even if Remus declared it was _‘too gross for him’_ and Roman thought it was _‘so romantic, like a fairy tale!’_

The two got a dorm room together, just the two of them, for the winter semester. Things were wonderful. The two would have separate bedrooms, because Patton wasn’t yet ready for that level of commitment just yet, and Ryan agreed.

At least, he seemed to agree, but he would make comments, passing comments, and when Patton asked him about them, he would say he never said that, even when Patton had been _so certain_ he had made a comment that made him uncomfortable.

Finally, Patton relented, after March Break. Patton’s old room turned into a study room, and the two would sleep in Ryan’s room. At first, Patton was still uncomfortable with it. Ryan would touch him where he was so ticklish, and snap at him when Patton giggled and wiggle away until Patton tried his very best to keep still and not make a sound. Ryan would always apologize for sounding mean, kissing him so sweetly, and Patton loved him. He would always love him, he was so certain. It was just because it was late at night and Ryan had so many classes that he would snap, that was all. It wasn’t anything serious.

It wasn’t anything serious. Just passing comments that never were actually uttered, Patton was imagining those comments because Ryan would never say stuff like that. Ryan loved him, just as much as Patton loved him. Ryan would never call Patton dumb or stupid, he’d never call him a tease for not wanting to have sex. Patton just imagined Ryan saying that, that was the only explanation.

The first year of college had been so much fun, and Patton learned so much, and even made some new friends since all his high school friends went to other out-of-State colleges. They had originally planned to stay in contact as often as they could, but Patton found he was so busy he didn’t have time to say more than a couple words, wish them the best, and then head off for class or to bed or do homework or to a date with Ryan.

Some of his out-of-State friends had texted him, in the summer between the first and second year, asking to hang out with them for a week, and Patton had been very excited to go. He was so excited to see his friends and talked about the plan with Ryan, until Ryan went oddly quiet, oddly sad. Patton’s friends had said they wanted it to only be them, no new partners and no new friends. At first Ryan had been understanding, but after Patton had purchased the tickets and packed up, he grew sullen, and again the comments started again. He was going to be so lonely without Patton, it was so unfair he couldn’t meet these friends of his that Patton _barely_ told him about.

Patton went, but found he didn’t enjoy being around his friends as much as he originally thought, Ryan’s words sticking with him the entire time. He didn’t even stay the full week, leaving a few days early with automatic promises to keep better in touch.

When he returned, to an apartment he and Ryan bought together so they didn’t have to return to their parents who lived in separate States, Ryan had been so happy, he held Patton so close, so tightly that he left loving bruises, and wanted Patton to never leave him so lonely ever again.

Patton promised, and the next morning neither left the bedroom as Ryan wanted to make up for lost days, and Patton could barely walk by the end of it.

After that, Ryan began to show more protectiveness that bordered on possessive towards him. Patton’s friends had to be vetted, and Ryan found his old high school friends to be unnecessarily close-minded. Patton didn’t understand that, but Ryan had to know what he was talking about, he was a bit older, maybe he knew something Patton hadn’t yet gone through. He slowly stopped messaging them, claiming to be busy even when he wasn’t, and mid-way through the second year of college, he stopped hearing from them altogether.

Patton thought nothing of it. He had friends closer to him, he had fun classes with really challenging coursework, and he had Ryan. Ryan, who would be there for his low days, when he was so stressed from classes or when he started to work at a cafe on-campus and he’d get yelled at by a mean customer. Ryan, who was right there when he was so happy he felt his heart would burst open, like when his younger brothers started their final year of high school and were already thinking of what college they wanted to get into.

Things had started to change after Patton stopped trying to reach out to his old friends. Really, it could be said things started to change the moment Patton returned from that trip. Ryan kept holding him much tighter, much closer than before, almost claustrophobically close that Patton could barely breathe and he’d gasp and beg for just a bit of space. Ryan didn’t like that. He always said Patton was trying to break up with him by saying that. He always said he wouldn’t know what to do without Patton beside him, he’d _die_ without him.

So Patton put up with the little bit of pain. He loved Ryan so much, he didn’t want to hurt him by accident. He would get used to bruises from how strong Ryan gripped him.

He would get used to the bruises when Ryan slapped him for not listening to him to do the chores right away. He would get used to the shouting that left him trembling in the bedroom, crying without understanding why. He would get used to Ryan just taking his cell phone and checking who he was talking to, checking what he was saying.

Ryan _always_ apologized when he got angry, kissing Patton so sweetly when he cried, always promising to make it up to him. By 'make up,' he’d make Patton feel good when they made love, going slowly for a bit and reminding him just how much he loved him, reminding him that he wouldn’t be able to live without him. He’d go slow, rather than his rough and quick way they would normally make love where it felt like Patton wasn’t ready, wasn’t prepped enough, where his gasps and moans came from pain rather than pleasure like he always read in those spicy romance novels.

Patton saw nothing wrong. His hands shook a bit more than usual, and he flinched when Ryan so much as frowned in his direction, but Ryan always apologized. He always said he was sorry and he meant it and he loved Patton just so much he could never control himself.

Ryan graduated and was working somewhere in the city when Patton started his third year. They had gone to Patton’s hometown for his brothers’ graduation the previous summer, and Patton cried as they got their diplomas and beamed out to everyone. Remus, he knew, had struggled so much to graduate, and the entire family had never been more proud that he made it.

Ryan and Patton didn’t stay at Patton’s hometown for long, but it had been so long since Patton saw his family and he cherished every moment, even if one memory, the night before the two went back, nagged at him ever so slightly.

“Pat, you’ve got _awful_ bags under your eyes,” Roman commented. It was a brothers day, just the three of them at the park as Ryan helped Patton’s parents with something. "Have you been getting your beauty sleep?"

“Yeah, what’s up with that?” Remus asked, poking Patton’s cheek, laughing when Patton swatted the hand away.

“It’s nothing,” he shook his head. He hadn’t even realized or noticed _when_ he started to get dark bags under his eyes.

“Everything okay?” Roman asked, a little cautiously.

Patton shook his head again. “Everything’s fine? Why?”

“You’ve been…” Remus shared a look with his twin and they seemed to have a silent conversation with one another. “You’re not as loud as before. You’ve been acting weirder than normal, and not a good weird too! Like… Like… C’mon, Ro, help me out.”

“You didn’t try to wrestle us when we came to pick you and your boyfriend up. Remus went to tackle-hug you and you… you _flinched.”_ Roman looked to pick his words carefully.

Patton frowned. _Had he_ been acting weird? It didn’t make much sense, he didn’t feel any different. He hadn't been doing anything differently. His brothers weren’t making any sense.

He dismissed the memory, and thought nothing of the last conversation he had face-to-face with his brothers that summer. He had talked to Ryan about it, and Ryan laughed, saying his brothers were dumb. Nothing was wrong, and Patton had never looked more beautiful. Patton accepted that, because his brothers hadn’t been with him every day since he started college like Ryan had been. Ryan knew what he was talking about, surely.

* * *

Patton met Virgil in his third year of college. They shared a couple classes together and had been partnered for the semester with one of those classes.

Virgil was very cool. He was very good at art, and was kind of quiet until Patton got to know him more than just a classmate. He was a disney nerd, loved the colour purple, and created his own clothes. He wanted to be an alternative designer, or an artist of some other kind. He had a smile that sent a thrill down Patton’s back every time he saw it, and the two bonded and quickly became good friends before the semester was half over. Patton found himself staying out of the apartment a bit more than before to hang out with Virgil when they didn’t have classes or work.

Ryan wasn’t a fan of Virgil, but Patton couldn’t understand why. At first, Ryan tried to get Patton out of the classes, but they were required courses for Patton’s program, and he’d have to wait another year to take them again because only one teacher taught it. Then, Ryan tried to limit his time with Virgil, saying he wasn’t a good influence on him, and that simply confused Patton more. Virgil was very sweet, and really funny even if his humour was a lot darker than what Patton was used to.

They had a huge fight halfway through the winter semester over Virgil and Patton’s friendship.

“It’s clear he’s just trying to fuck you!” Ryan shouted that evening, standing in the doorway to the kitchen where Patton was currently trapped as he had been about to make supper. “Why else would he be so nice to you?”

“That’s… that’s not true, we’re just friends,” Patton refuted, his hands shaking so much he had to hold and wring them.

“Why the hell would he want to be friends with you if not to get in your pants?” Ryan retorted, now stepping into the kitchen and Patton’s heartrate skyrocketed in fear. Ryan was _angry,_ he had to stop and placate him before things got out of hand.

“I-I-I don’t, I don’t see him that way! I promise!” Patton flinched when Ryan crowded into his personal space, grabbing Patton’s arms so hard he gasped in pain. “I-I only see him as a friend!”

“Yeah right,” Ryan snarled and Patton bit back the whine as Ryan shook him roughly. “You’re just a dumb whore. He doesn’t care about you, how could he?”

Patton hadn’t realized he was crying until Ryan slapped him hard across the face and he fell back against the counter.

“Stop crying! How could you do this to me? After everything we’ve been through together?” Ryan shouted, slapping Patton again, and then again, and then again until Patton fell to the floor. “I give you all my love and this is how you repay me? By being a dumb whore, ready to fuck the first guy you see?!”

Patton tried to apologize, to get him to realize he was wrong. He was crying so hard he couldn’t get the words out, and that only seemed to make Ryan angrier, hurling insults and kicking him, ordering him to get up and Patton was _trying_ but every time he moved Ryan kicked him so hard his legs gave out.

“Get up! Bitch, get the fuck up!” Ryan shouted, and Patton cried when he grabbed him by the hair and pulled so, so hard Ryan was dragging him, dragging him to their bedroom, ignoring how much he was hurting him, ignoring Patton’s cries and pleas for mercy.

Ryan half-flung, half-kicked Patton into their bedroom, slamming the door between them and pounding on the door as Patton whimpered in fear.

“You stay the fuck in there until I say you can come out!” He yelled through the door, pounding the door twice more and Patton flinched each time before he heard him storm away, throwing things around and Patton could hear things crashing and breaking as he raged.

Patton, on the floor, had never felt so terrified. His face hurt, his legs hurt, his sides where Ryan had kicked him so hard hurt so much and he was so wildly scared he couldn’t see. He didn’t know if he was still wearing his glasses or if Ryan had crushed them in his anger. Everything was so blurry with tears and the possibility he didn’t have his glasses and all he could think of was _call for help call for help call for help he’s going to kill me he’s going to kill me._

With shaking hands, Patton looked for his phone on his person and blindly dialed the first number he could that he knew wasn’t Ryan’s, shakily crawling to the closet to have another door between him and his boyfriend.

“Patton? You don’t normally call at this time. What’s up?” Virgil asked when he picked up. There was a lot of conversation on the other line before it faded in the distance as he walked out of wherever he was.

Patton really did try to speak, to say something, but he only gave a broken sob, slapping his free hand over his mouth and whimpering as that action stung where Ryan had slapped him so many times.

“Patton? What’s wrong?” Virgil’s tone was on edge. “Are you safe?”

“He’s going to kill me,” Patton whispered, every word cracking as he tried to keep it even.

“Patton, where are you?” Virgil asked, worry in his tone. “Are you in your apartment?”

“Y-yes.” It took a long time to get Patton to tell Virgil what happened, and the two could hear Ryan breaking things outside the room and Patton whimpered every time, flinching violently.

“Hang on, Patton, I’m… I’m going to get you help, I’m going to get you out of there.”

“He’s going to kill me,” Patton repeated, hearing a distinct pounding against the door to the bedroom, but the door didn’t open and Patton sobbed again.

* * *

Virgil kept Patton on the line until they heard another door slam open and heard fighting. It sounded like the paramedics arrived and Patton sobbed in relief. A couple paramedics opened the bedroom door and found him shaking so badly in the closet, unable to stand, sobbing into a phone. One gently took the phone to talk to Virgil as the other picked Patton up and put him on a stretcher and they were out of there in minutes. Patton saw no sign of Ryan, although he saw the destruction of their home. Almost anything Patton loved was smashed or ripped to pieces, and the hallway to the bedroom and bathroom had several new holes in them

Patton shut his eyes to not see any more. He was taken out of the apartment and down to the waiting ambulance, the flashing sirens so bright behind his eyelids.

Once he was inside the ambulance, the paramedic that had been speaking to Virgil over the phone gave his phone back.

“You’re friend said he’ll try to get to the hospital as quickly as he can, if that’s okay with you,” she said, a comforting smile on her face.

Patton didn’t answer outside another fresh sob ripping from his throat.

He was brought to the hospital and taken to the ER, and there he heard snippets of what everyone was saying around him.

_Abuse, bruising, broken bones, bleeding…_

He understood none of it. He felt a slight prick and before he could think anything of it, a wave of dizziness and exhaustion drowned him, and he only felt that a moment before he let himself pass out.

He came to a long while after. He wasn’t too sure how much time had passed, only that it had as he was no longer on a stretcher, but a rather comfortable but stiff bed, a soft beeping off to the side. He could practically feel the painkillers at work, his mind just a bit floaty away from his numbed body. It was nice, not to be hurting anymore.

He slowly opened his eyes, just a little bit, and looked around. He was in the open part of the ER, where nurses could see everyone and everything. It wasn’t too crowded, and he was next to only a couple of other people. Most had visitors, or were sleeping, or reading on their phones or with a physical book. Nurses walked around on a specific route, until one saw him moving and went over, smiling kindly at him.

“Try not to move so much. You were pretty banged up, and needed surgery for some rather intense internal bleeding. Take it slow, okay?” They said, checking the beeping and something else just out of Patton’s eyesight, as blurry as it was.

Patton nodded slightly, if only to give an acknowledgement that he heard and understood. He sighed, relaxing into the bed.

“Oh, you also have a visitor. He’s been waiting for you to wake up to see you, though visiting hours is ending in about half an hour,” the nurse said.

Patton nodded again, opening his eyes a bit more. Virgil had said he was going to see him. And see him he did. Virgil looked beyond shocked at the sight of him. Concern, anger, and something Patton couldn’t figure out was very clear on his expression.

“Jesus, Pat. What did that monster _do_ to you?”

**Author's Note:**

> This story is part of the [ LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:  
> Feedback
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comments
>   * Questions
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
> 

> 
> This author replies to comments.
> 
> I want to say, if any of yall have seen the other fandoms I've written for, and if you know anything on the situation, you'll know exactly why I chose the abuser's name to be Ryan. This... turned into a vent piece to get all my frustrations over what's been happening in that fandom with his namesake.


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